


Poison Professionals

by Sterling_Canary



Series: Writer's Month 2020 [23]
Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: 5 + 1 Things, Bonding over Poison, But not on-screen only mentioned, CW: vomit, Gen, Poison, Pushing my Friendship Agenda, Scheming, Shenanigans, Writer’s Month 2020
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-13
Updated: 2020-09-13
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:21:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,226
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26436349
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sterling_Canary/pseuds/Sterling_Canary
Summary: There are many applications for poison. Leave it to Hubert and Claude to find them all.Or, the five times Hubert and Claude poison together, and the one time they get poisoned.(Writer's Month 2020 prompt 23: Poison)
Relationships: Claude von Riegan & Hubert von Vestra
Series: Writer's Month 2020 [23]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1859518
Comments: 6
Kudos: 37
Collections: Writer's Month 2020





	Poison Professionals

Claude learned that Hubert made poisons when his tea smelled a bit different than usual.

Hubert had invited him to share a pot of Almyran Pine Needles with him one Sunday. Normally, Claude didn’t accept _any_ out-of-house requests for tea, but Hubert was an intriguing guy. He seemed to be the dedicated tactician for the Black Eagles, and, seeing how he couldn’t discern who the tactician of the Blue Lions was (he doubted they even _had_ one), Claude thought it best to get to know him. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer, as they say.

But nothing was ever that simple, was it?

“Claude,” Hubert greeted when he arrived in the courtyard. “I am glad you could make it.”

“Of course,” he replied. “Hope I didn’t keep you waiting too long.”

“Not at all. I’ve already poured you a cup. Please, have a seat.”

Odd. Hubert didn’t strike Claude as the kind of guy who would do that. Either he _sorely_ misjudged him, or he had ulterior motives.

It was the latter.

There were two things that tipped him off. One: The odd smell emanating from his cup, obviously. Two: Hubert didn’t pour himself a drink.

“Hey, Hubert, I noticed you don’t have a cup,” Claude innocently pointed out.

“It appears I don’t,” Hubert said, glancing at the empty area in front of him. “I suppose I didn’t grab enough teacups. My mistake.”

“I could grab one for you.”

“There’s no need for that. Your tea will get cold.”

“Don’t be silly, Hubert. The tea is plenty hot enough. Oh well, if you don’t have a cup, then you should at least take a sip of mine.” Claude picked up his cup and offered it to Hubert.

“I couldn’t. You’re my guest, after all.”

“Then feel free to drink from the teapot. I don’t mind.”

“This is _your_ tea that I brewed _especially_ for you. It matters not whether a drop touches my lips or if they remain dry.”

“Oh, _especially_ for me? Well, in that case…” Claude picked up his cup and dumped the contents out. “I gotta say, that was a good attempt. I like how you chose a tea that was not only fragrant but _also_ one of my favorites. However, not even a fragrant tea like this one can mask a fragrant poison. Just some things to think about for next time, buddy.” Claude stood up and patted Hubert on the back before walking away, leaving Hubert to stew in his failure.

* * *

Hubert learned Claude made poisons when he spotted him in town at the place where he gets _his_ ingredients.

Hubert was originally in town to pick up more coffee beans. The monastery didn’t have them normally, which irked Hubert to no end, so he had to go out about every two weeks to restock. During this particular trip, however, he was also running out of ingredients to make poisons, so he decided to stop by the shop on his way back.

“See you next time, kid,” Hubert heard the cashier say to the person checking out as he entered the store. He recognized the clothes the person was wearing, for they were quite similar to the ones he wore.

“I did not know you shopped here, Claude, though I’m not surprised in the slightest,” Hubert said, coming up behind the house leader.

“And I you, Hubert,” Claude responded, gathering up the various jars of berries and flowers from the counter. “Making a new poison? One perhaps less fragrant that the last time? Although, with me seeing you here, any potential plans you have are now ruined.”

“Who’s to say that was what I was here for?” Hubert walked away from the counter and to the shelves so he could begin looking for the items he needed. “What if I just needed more ingredients? Or maybe I’m preparing something for the Blue Lions. Or perhaps I’m simply trying to get rid of Ferdinand.”

“Fair enough. Mind if I observe?”

“Of course I do.”

His words didn’t matter, however, for Claude still followed him around the store. Hubert tried to block what he was grabbing from the shelves with his body, but Claude still found ways to get around him and see his shopping list.

When he finally collected all of his items and made his way to the counter, the cashier commented, “Got a little dog following you around today, eh? He your new apprentice or something?”

“Simply a classmate of mine,” Hubert sighed, placing his things on the counter. “And an annoying one at that.”

“I’m hurt, Hubert!” Claude said with an overdramatic gasp. “I thought we were _friends_!”

“The furthest thing from it.”

“A shame,” the cashier shook his head. “You’d do good to make friends with someone who knows poisons. Lessens your risk, if you catch my meaning. Either way, your total comes out to 800g.”

Hubert pulled out his coin purse and paid the fee.

“See you next time,” the cashier waved. Hubert picked up the ingredients, cradling them alongside his bag of coffee beans, and left the store.

“Hey, wait up!” Claude called after him. “I have a proposition for you.”

“And that would be?” Hubert asked, not stopping.

“You’re making some pretty different poisons to me, judging on what you bought. Why not make poisons together? We could probably teach each other a few things.”

“And _why_ would I do that?”

“It’s like the cashier said: making friends who know poisons is a good thing. But you don’t have to accept my offer. Just don’t be surprised if you’re nauseous for the next few days...or the rest of the year.”

In the end, Hubert accepted his offer.

* * *

Lorenz and Ferdinand learned that Hubert and Claude made poisons first hand over tea.

They had it planned perfectly: first, they were going to deliver forged invitations.

“Lorenz,” Hubert said, approaching him after watching his rejection by yet _another_ woman.

“Oh, you,” Lorenz sighed. “You are Edelgard’s retainer, are you not? Hubert, was it? Ferdinand has told me a lot about you.”

“Has he?”

“Nothing good.”

“Of course. But that is beside the point. I have a note from your friend here.”

“From Ferdinand? Why would he entrust _you_ to deliver an invitation?”

“We are trying to make amends, for Lady Edelgard’s sake.”

“I see.” He hesitantly took the note from Hubert’s gloved hands and opened it. “Ah, a tea invitation...for today! Quite short notice, but tell him I’ll be there.”

“I shall relay the message immediately.”

Getting Ferdinand to accept the phony invitation went about the same.

“A note from Lorenz?” Ferdinand asked, examining the paper. Claude managed to catch him in the cathedral after choir practice had finished. “I am surprised he entrusted this to you. He always complains about you over tea.”

“Well, he and I are trying to turn over a new leaf,” Claude lied. “And to start, note delivery.”

Ferdinand opened the note and read its contents. “A tea invitation? Today? Oh my, I must get ready! Thank you for the note, Claude!” He rushed out of the cathedral.

Second: they had to prepare the tea. Of course, neither of them knew Lorenz or Ferdinand’s favorite tea, so they had to guess.

“Here we go!” Claude exclaimed, holding up a bag of tea leaves with what looked to be rose petals dispersed throughout. “Rose Petal blend. Lorenz should love this.”

While they figured that _both_ of them might not love it, if one did, that was believable enough.

Third: Brew the tea, then sit back and watch.

“Rose Petal blend,” Lorenz sighed after smelling his teacup. “Ferdinand, you have truly outdone yourself.”

“Err, I suppose I did. You are...welcome. Though, I must thank you for inviting me out to tea. It has been too long since we have done this, no?”

“Oh, absolutely. This is truly the ideal way to spend a Sunday. Or anyday, for that matter.”

The two took a sip of their tea in celebration, thinking that nothing would ruin this excellent (or, in Ferdinand’s opinion, merely passable) pot of tea.

Then, it was ruined.

Hubert and Claude passed by their table, each holding a cup of coffee in their hands (Hubert’s idea).

“Oh, it is you two,” Ferdinand sighed.

“Must you spoil our tea with that vile coffee of yours?” Lorenz spat. “I did not even think you _drank_ coffee, Claude.”

“Well, I’ve been converted by my buddy here,” Claude smirked, leaning on Hubert’s shoulder and taking a long sip from the cup in his hand. “I really don’t know why it took me so long to appreciate it.”

“It seems I am not the only one with taste in this academy,” Hubert said, “unlike you two. Rose Petal blend. How disgusting.”

“I’ll have you know that Rose Petal blend is _far_ better than whatever _dirt_ you have in those cups,” Lorenz sneered. “Wait...how did you know what we’re drinking? What did you two do to it?”

“I can’t believe you’d accuse us of such a thing!” Claude gasped. “I can’t believe how little you trust me.”

“When you ally yourself with _him_ ”--Ferdinand pointed an accusing finger at Hubert-- “Lorenz has every right to not trust you. Now if you will take your leave? The scent of coffee is making me sick.”

Claude and Hubert simply chuckled.

“We shall go, if that’s what you wish,” Hubert shrugged. “Come, Claude. Let us enjoy our _superior_ drink. And, for the record, we knew because of how disgustingly _fragrant_ it is.”

They walked away, but instead of leaving the courtyard, the two hid behind bushes to watch the rest of their prank play out. 

“Ugh, that coffee did more of a number on me than I thought,” Lorenz sighed, leaning back in his chair. “I still feel ill.”

“I do as well…oh, to think, you went through the trouble of getting Claude to deliver that invitation,” Ferdinand shook his head.

“Pardon? _Who_ gave you the note?”

“Claude? He said that you two were trying to turn over a new leaf.”

“We are trying to do _no such thing_ ! And here _I_ thought you somehow managed to get Hubert to hand-deliver a note to me.”

“ _Hubert_ ? Oh, _absolutely_ not. That means…”

“We were set up.”

“And that coffee is not the reason why we feel sick…”

The two quickly stood from the table and rushed off, presumably to find somewhere suitable to throw up. 

Claude and Hubert laughed before clinking their cups of coffee in a celebratory toast.

* * *

Their foes learned that Hubert and Claude made poisons when poison-tipped arrows lodged themselves into their shoulders.

Making poison-laden weapons was never in the initial deal, but new ideas always pop-up when you least expect them, and deals can always be re-worked. It all started when the pair was brewing a batch of poison intended to kill a target slowly. It was stewing in a pot in Hubert’s room (because he already had that villain aesthetic going, why _not_ stew poisons in his room?), and he and Claude decided to study while they waited for it to finish.

“Hey, Hubert,” Claude said, twirling an arrow in his hands as he read a book. “Think I can throw this arrow and have it land in the pot?”

“I don’t doubt that you can,” Hubert shrugged, reading a different book. “But don’t try it. I happen to like my room the way it is.”

“All right, then.”

They went back to reading in silence for a bit, before Hubert heard the distinct noise of an object entering liquid.

“Claude,” he frowned.

“Hey, I didn’t mess up your room,” Claude held up his hands defensively. He put the book on Hubert’s bed, spine facing the ceiling, and stood up to retrieve the arrow. Once he pulled it out of the pot and shook off the excess poison, Claude grabbed the rest of the arrows in his quiver and dipped them in the dark liquid.

“That poison is meant to be _consumed_ ,” Hubert sighed. “What are you going to do with _arrows_ dipped in it?”

“Test whether it _can_ be used outside of consumption,” Claude answered, pulling out the rest of the arrows and shaking them off like the first. Poison droplets flew across the room, staining Hubert’s walls and sheets. Hubert glared at him. “Sorry, I’ll clean it up later. But I want _you_ to help me with the tests.”

“You had better mean on the battlefield when we _are on the same side, von Riegan_.”

“I wouldn’t dream of doing anything else, _von Vestra_.”

So, next week, when the Golden Deer were heading out to take care of some bandits and get in some extra training, Claude invited the Black Eagles to join them.

“What kind of scheme is this, Claude?” Edelgard asked, raising an eyebrow.

“No scheme,” Claude answered. “Jeez, you and Hubert need to learn to lighten up. I’m just extending an invitation from one house leader to another. Besides, we _are_ going to the Adrestian Empire. It might look bad if their future emperor didn’t stick her neck out for her people…”

“We can trust him, Lady Edelgard,” Hubert said. “He and I already conferred beforehand, and he has no ulterior motives.”

“If you say he can be trusted, I’ll believe you,” Edelgard sighed.

She gathered up her house, and told them they’d be heading out with the Golden Deer to subdue some bandits in thirty minutes. Everyone was either surprised, confused, or a combination of the two, but they went along with it. Soon, the two houses were fighting in an Adrestian field. Hubert and Claude were in the back, taking down enemies from a distance.

“Do you not have that quiver of arrows with you?” Hubert asked, firing off Banshee Θ.

“I do,” Claude answered as he let loose an arrow. “I’m just saving them for a special occasion.”

“Like perhaps _now_?”

A bandit was rushing towards them, sword poised to strike. The two quickly dove out of the way, and Claude fired an arrow at them, hitting them square in the shoulder.

The bandit pulled the arrow out of their shoulder and threw it into the ground before swinging their sword at the pair again. Hubert was about to cast another spell, when Claude grabbed his shoulder and began pulling him towards the forest.

“Not just yet, Hubert,” Claude said as they ran to take cover. “Let’s see whether that poison takes effect.”

The two got to the forest and ducked behind some trees, watching as the bandit went to attack other members of their houses. The poison didn’t seem to be doing much, so Hubert and Claude continued their onslaught of attacks, still keeping an eye on the bandit. Eventually, the bandit started to look a little ill.

“So, it _does_ work,” Claude mused, “but it’s just not worth it for battle.”

“I _told_ you, it was a poison meant for _consumption_ ,” Hubert rolled his eyes.

“Hey. Sometimes, things can be used in more than one way. You’re just too stubborn to see it.”

“And yet I was right this time, wasn’t I?”

* * *

Annette learned that Hubert and Claude made poisons when she got knocked out by one of them.

It was a Sunday afternoon, and Hubert had spent much of his free day in his room reviewing documents and writing letters. He’d finished all he needed to do, and was headed to the dining hall to get a bite to eat, when someone pulled him into their room.

“Hubert! Glad I caught you,” Claude said, closing the door behind them. “I need your help.”

“Of course,” Hubert rolled his eyes. “What is so urgent you could not even _notify_ me before you dragged me into your room?”

“See for yourself.”

Claude pointed to his bed, where Annette lay, limbs splayed and eyes closed.

“Do _not_ tell me you killed her.”

“I didn’t! She’s just kind of...sleeping.”

“Explain.”

“Okay, so, we’ve been making sleeping draughts recently. However, every sleeping draught that I’ve ever seen has been in liquid form. So, I figured, why not try and make it a powder to knock someone else out from a distance? I made the first prototype--” Claude gestured to a lilac powder on his desk “--and I was going to call you in to test it out when Annette came by. That’s when she inhaled some of the powder...and then she passed out.”

Hubert sighed and began massaging the bridge of his nose. “We talked about this the _last time_ you tried to force a poison into a form it’s not meant to be used in.”

“Yeah, yeah, I was wrong, lecture me later. Do you have anything to reverse it? I ask because you use these more than I do.”

“Generally, when you use a sleeping draught on a person, you _don’t_ want to wake them up. This is why no one has ever tried to make it a _powder_ before. All she needs to do is sleep it off.”

“Yeah, that sounds like a good plan. One more thing, though?”

“What?”

“Be my lookout.”

“Why do you need a _lookout_?”

“It’s not a good idea to leave her up here. If someone goes looking for her and finds her asleep in her room, people will just assume she took a nap. If she finds her passed out up here...people will ask questions.”

“And you think people _won’t_ do that if they see us carrying her down the stairs?”

“They will, but people _won’t_ see us, because I’m getting you to be a lookout. You’ll look for people who could potentially spot us, and either guide me around them or scare them off.” He went over to pick up Annette, placing one hand under her legs and one under her back before lifting her up. “Alright, let’s get going.”

Hubert sighed and stepped out of the room. Predictably, the hallway was empty, since most students either liked to take on some extra missions, train, complete assignments, or simply relax on Sundays. Of course, some might be resting in their room, but Hubert doubted that. They’d still have to be quick, though. He motioned for Claude to come out, and the two ran through the hallway and down the stairs.

Next was the hard part: going through the dormitory courtyard. Just as predicted, there were a few students milling about, though not so many that their task would be impossible.

“Stay here and watch for a signal,” Hubert instructed before leaving the stairwell and approaching two girls chatting.

“I mean, sure, Ferdinand’s cute, but have you seen Hubert?” one of them said. “I love broody boys.”

“Oh?”

“Ah!” they both screamed, their faces turning red. Hubert chuckled.

“I’m...oh my goddess, Hubert, how much did you hear?”

“Not much...but I do have to disagree with the fact that I brood.”

“Oh no…” the girl buried her face in her hands, and Hubert motioned for Claude to come out. He began sprinting down the walkway before coming to a stop behind a pillar. “I _can’t_ believe you heard that…”

As the girl comforted her embarrassed friend, Hubert caught up with him.

“Good work with that one,” Claude congratulated, “but I highly doubt that you can distract _everyone_ here.”

He was right. They were about to pass by the lakeside area, where many students liked to spend their day off. There were a lot more people here than in the dormitory courtyard, and if _anyone_ looked in their direction, they would be in trouble.

“If we could somehow hide her, then we could walk around freely,” Hubert mused. “A shame your cape is so short.”

“That’s not necessarily the only way of hiding a person.” Claude took a step back, aligning Annette’s unconscious form with Hubert’s body. “There. Now if anyone looks over, we’ll just look like we’re going somewhere.”

“Well, seeing as we have no other plans, fine.”

They stepped out from behind the pillar, still hiding Annette’s body, and walked to her dorm room.

“You’re going to have to open the door, Hubert,” Claude said once they arrived at the correct door. “I’ll drop her if I try.”

Hubert sighed and reached over them, turning the handle and opening the door. “Be quick.”

“That’s the plan.”

Claude stepped into Annette’s room, and Hubert stood guard at the door. No one seemed to be looking over in their direction, and no one even bothered to turn their heads before Claude completed his task.

“Alright, we’re done here,” Claude said, closing Annette’s door. “Another successful mission.”

“One that I didn’t need to be involved in.”

“But I couldn’t have done it without you.”

“It would have been interesting to watch you try.”

* * *

Hubert and Claude learned that they weren’t as infallible as they thought when Edelgard managed to slip them a dose of sleeping draught.

“Here are your coffees,” Edelgard said, handing two cups of coffee to Claude.

“Thanks, Princess,” Claude winked.

“Don’t press your luck. I don’t understand why you and Hubert force yourself to stay up so late.”

“We’ve just got work to do, and night is the best time to do it.”

“Well, please, make sure that you don’t stay up the entire night.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it, Princess.”

Claude made his way out of the dining hall and up to the library. Sure, they weren’t supposed to be out of their rooms at this time, but the monastery guards didn’t do much patrolling. After the first sweep, you could pretty much go anywhere you wanted.

The library was much darker at night, since most of the candles were extinguished. Only one was lit, and it cast an eerie shadow over Hubert’s face.

“Got the coffee,” Claude announced when he entered the library. “Courtesy of Edelgard.”

“You made Lady Edelgard make our coffee?” Hubert asked venomously.

“Of course not. She was there, and she offered. You wouldn’t want to _waste_ her _work_ , would you?” Hubert sighed and took one of the cups from his hand. “Didn’t think so.”

Claude sat down across from Hubert and grabbed one of the books from the stack, a history book on the Heroes' Relics. It took only thirty minutes before sleep started to drag on their eyes. Both took a sip of their coffee and kept on reading, but it didn’t seem to help.

“Hey, Hubert,” Claude yawned. “Does coffee usually take this long to work?”

“Not usually,” Hubert said into his cup, “but perhaps you didn’t drink enough of it.” 

“Maybe.” Claude took a large gulp of the coffee, and went back to his book...but the words were all starting to blur together...and it was getting hard to keep his head up...and the book’s pages looked so soft…

Claude woke with a start. Man, that coffee was _not_ at _all_ what Hubert hyped it up to be. And apparently, it didn’t work on _him_ either, as Claude found Hubert face-down in the book he was reading. Him sleeping looked quite odd, though, so Claude decided to wake him.

“Hey, Hubert,” Claude said, shaking him. “Get up.”

“Mmm...what?” Hubert asked as he sat up.

“You fell asleep. Come on, we need to get back to studying.”

“I did not fall asleep. You must be imagining things.”

“No, you were face-down in your book. It’s alright, I won’t tell anyone.”

“If what you’re saying is true...how long was I asleep?”

“Probably not long.”

“Still, it would be best to check.”

Hubert stepped out of the library, and Claude returned to his book. He was glad the words were no longer blurring together.

“Claude!” Hubert called from the hallway.

“What?” he yelled back.

“Get over here!”

“Fine!” He left the book open on the table and joined Hubert at the window he was looking out of. “What did you see that was so...oh no.”

It wasn’t a starry sky Claude saw out of the window. It was a cloudless blue one.

They didn’t have to say what they were both thinking: that coffee wasn’t coffee. But there was no time to resolve that issue now; they had to get to class. The pair ran down the hallway and down the stairs, not even bothering to clear off the table they were sitting at the night before. Luckily, since everyone was in class, no one was there to witness the two sprinting through the monastery.

Hubert stopped himself before the door of the Black Eagles classroom to fix himself up (unlike Claude, who just threw open the doors) and entered his classroom. Everyone turned to look at him, and a few began to whisper, but none made any comments out loud. After all, it wasn’t every day Hubert was late to class, but it _was_ still Hubert. He took a seat next to Edelgard.

“Enjoy your nap, Hubert?” Edelgard whispered to him.

“Not particularly...hold on. How did you know that?”

“You left a bottle of sleeping draught in my room. If you got more sleep, then I wouldn’t have had to resort to using it.”

“I appreciate your concern, Lady Edelgard,” Hubert whispered back, “but you needn’t concern yourself with my well being. I shall try and get more sleep, if that is what you wish.”

“That’s all I ask.”

**Author's Note:**

> And with that, my Writer's Month comes to a close. Sadly, I didn't get to all of the prompts, but I had a lot of fun doing it, and it was nice to go out with a bang. Criticism is always appreciated.


End file.
